17 May 2017

Stormy Clouds

I've been struggling with a bout of depression lately. I've been doing everything right to get over it: getting my five tasks done, waking up early and taking daily walks, praying the Rosary every day, taking my supplements. This is the first time since I've started taking them that I've had an issue. I'm not sure what triggered it or what is keeping me from getting over it. Theodore is 18 months old, so I really doubt it's postpartum depression anymore.

I have two theories, although really they might just be ways my depression is manifesting itself.

When we got back from our vacation, I realized how much my life was revolving around kid-stuff, and I felt really trapped. I came home from this really fun Us/Me event to birthday party planning, next-size-up wardrobe building, and summer activity finding and I realized I don't know where I went. I used to be all about making time for me as my own person, but everything I was doing ended or petered off. My one thing is really Zumba, but Matt's schedule has been so crazy at work that I can only go once a week and I haven't been able to go for awhile. I enjoy crocheting, but I've been doing so much of it lately and while it's relaxing, it doesn't make me feel worthwhile.

The other possible culprit is my weight plateau. After losing 20 lbs since the beginning of the year in a weight loss challenge, I've just completely flat-lined. I have been and am continuing my workouts and tracking what I eat, but the scale just won't budge. I've even rebelled, eaten junk food all weekend, gained a few pounds, and lost them again, only to completely freeze at the exact same number. It's very frustrating to work my butt off, pass up on temptations, hold a plank for two minutes straight every day for - no joke - weeks straight, and be stuck at this stupid weight.

Both of these two things make me feel like I have no value, frustrated, expendable, and like I'm failing to contribute anything meaningful to the world.

I don't know if these things triggered the depression or are fueling it or are simply what I'm taking it out on. All I know is that I've really been struggling lately despite holding fast to all the tactics that usually help me out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear this! I hope and pray the storm clouds will soon pass! It can be so difficult to be a mama with Little Ones, a wife, and a person all at the same time! That may SOUND silly, but it's true! I know! You are not alone! My weight plateaued just before Easter, so I've been focusing on my skin and hair. Again, it seems silly to even say such a thing, but mamas give, give, give of themselves 24/7 that we have to appreciate the tiny self-care things. We are called to die to ourselves, and that can be very painful at times, and feel insupportable. The only -and the best- advice I can give is to call on the grace of the sacrament of matrimony -God has given it to us with these times in mind! I read somewhere about retreating to say 1 Our Father and 1 Hail Mary at those times when I feel like I'm going to lose it...oftentimes I pray those prayers AFTER having lost it, but I'm trying! And it seems to help. {prayers for smoothed sailing} TB