06 February 2017

Making Sense of it All

I have a hard time reconciling my depression with my religion.

When the pre-partum depression got really bad - right before I went on medication - I was furious with God. Really, really angry because I felt like with the pregnancy, He'd given me more than I could handle. Shortly after I started taking an SSRI, I felt like a totally different person. I felt like God was giving my strength to weather anything. On Thursday, I missed one and a half doses of the supplements I've been taking and I paid for it dearly on Friday. Panic attacks, anxiety, depression, anger. It took a few days of regular doses, but now I'm back to normal: peaceful, contented.

I feel like a puppet with a switch: No serotonin: hopelessness; serotonin: peace; no serotonin: hopelessness; serotonin: peace. "How do we want Jacqueline today?"

It bothers me, that my disordered mood can play such a large roll in my faith. I realize now, writing it all down, thinking about it in a serotonin-soaked brain, that it isn't my religion that's the problem, it's my feelings about my religion. How I feel toward God, what graces I accept from Him, how I feel about my salvation.

Here's an analogy for myself: I'm reading a book, right? When left untouched, it's like I'm trying to read at a rave: it's too loud to concentrate, there are too many people bumping into me and jostling the pages, the lights are too dim and chaotic to read the words. When I taking something, I get to read in a quiet, peaceful, well-lit library.

Thanks for letting me talk it out, guys.

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