07 November 2016

The Contradictions

I'm back. Back to talking about the internal turbulence.

It's gotta be depression. Coming off of an antidepressant, even when you do it super gradually, results in a whole bunch of withdrawal effects and one of those is depression. The depression coming off an SSRI (an antidepressant) can actually be worse than the depression that put you on the medication! I have almost 100% of the withdrawal symptoms: dizziness, electric shock sensations (in my opinion, this one is the worst), fatigue, flu-like symptoms, headache, loss of coordination, muscle spasms, nausea, nightmares, trouble sleeping, anxiety, mood swings, and depression. The only two I don't have are tremors and vomiting.

Last week when I blogged, I'd been having a really bad day. But for some reason, I couldn't tell I was depressed. I know, it sounds crazy, but it's the truth. I had to write it all down, step away from it, hear someone else tell me flat-out "Hey, you're depressed!", and then look again with fresh eyes. Yup, totally depressed. I feel kind of silly for wandering down the spiritual path about something that I now see so clearly as a physiological thing, although it did lead me to Mother Teresa, and how on earth can that ever be a bad thing?

I don't want to be on an antidepressant long-term. I would be open to it as a last resort, but there are other avenues I want to try first. Bleh, even talking about depression is depressing.

The withdrawal symptoms are so awful and interfere with my daily life so much so that I'm definitely not going on the same medication the next time we get pregnant. It turns out Celexa is one of the hardest to stop medications, so I'll be trying something else next time around.

I also really appreciate the suggestion to try The Mood Cure. I hadn't heard of it before, but it turns out the author is pretty much a giant in the field of nutrient therapy. I read some reviews from people who really benefited from her techniques when coming off an antidepressant, plus I would love to see if it can help my anxiety and depression in my daily, non-pregnant, non-SSRI withdrawal life too. At $4.49 on Amazon after shipping, it's totally worth a shot. I'm a big fan of such therapy since I was able to cure my colon disease via diet/nutrition.

No Greater Love is an amazing, amazing book, though, and I'm really benefiting from it, especially in the motherhood department. I'm especially touched by the wisdom relating to accepting burdens with a joyful heart and not being disheartened by failure when you've tried your best. Life with a hyper-clingy infant, a two-year-old, and a special needs kindergartner often feels like one giant burden that I'm continuing to fail at, and, of course, depression, shock sensations, and dizziness hanging out in my brain makes some days feel impossible. The hope I'm gaining from Mother Teresa's wisdom is really powering me through what I recognize is obnoxious depression.

Thank you, guys, for listening to me and offering your honesty.

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