01 November 2016

The Contradictions Inside

My mind was totally blown when I realized that being a stay-at-home mom was a particular vocation. I don't remember when exactly I heard someone talking about it, maybe a year or two ago now, but it really helped me through a lot of things I was struggling with at the time. Then just a few weeks ago, someone pointed out to me that being a stay-at-home mom is also much like being a nun - we are "cloistered" away in our homes - no ability to go out into the streets to volunteer or serve, but tons of time to pray and ample opportunity to offer up little sacrifices during the daily routines. I take great comfort in this truth. That I have the ability to live a life of service to the Lord right here through my family.

Even though everything in my life is going very well right now, I am still struggling. Everything is totally fine, yet I feel like everything is falling apart. It's so bizarre and I don't even have the words to explain my discontent, my depression, my frustration. I don't know why the frustration is there, and I don't know how to ease it. I have no deep and blinding insights. I only have the knowledge that sometimes you are doing everything just fine and it is still hard.

It's like a movie scene: a car is driving down the street on a beautiful sunny day when suddenly it smashes into a telephone pole. The windshield explodes in shards of glass, the airbag bursts open, sending up plumes of dust and chemicals; the driver heads lurches forward, the seatbelt locks in place as the driver's body continues moving forward, every blood vessel along the seatbelt - from the shoulder, diagonal across the chest, above the heart - burst spilling blood beneath the skin, pooling up in deep black bruises. And then the scene snaps away and the car is still driving down the same pretty street on the same sunny day - nothing happened, the crash was all in the driver's head. She imagined it.

That is the best way I can describe my mind and my life right now. I'm loosing my fucking mind even though everything is totally and completely fine.

And so I have these two puzzle pieces. 1. I am living my vocation; 2. Within my heart, I feel both God's peace and a black hole. I know they go together, but I don't know how. 

I also can't explain it, but I feel very strongly that I need to read about Saint Mother Theresa. I remember hearing a long time ago that she very much struggled with depression. I could be misremembering, I guess I'll find out because I went to the store about bought a copy of No Greater Love.

Maybe I am just chemically imbalanced and need to go back on an antidepressant. Maybe I am being attacked by Satan. I don't know. I don't know anything. It has taken me an entire hour to write this post, but I am so glad I did because I finally, finally found the words to describe what is going on inside. Now I just need to figure out if it's going on in my mind or in my soul.


Kindra said...

The nun analogy is good, especially when children are young. I had never heard that before.

I hope you feel uplifted and comforted reading your book about Mother Teresa.

Katy said...

Low mood with no clear cause is the exact definition of depression. I can feel through your writing (not just what you say, but how you say it. You're a great writer.) how rough a time this is for you, and I remember how much better you said you felt about everything when you were taking the antidepressant. If you tolerate the medication well and don't have too much trouble with side effects, is there a reason not to take it? It's not my place to tell you what you should or should not do. It's your life, and your choices. But I've been in the same position, wondering, "if I have to take medication to be a person I like, who am I, really?" I think that who I choose to be and how I choose to feel are the real me. I'm not myself without my narcolepsy medication, and I'm ok with that. I choose to be the person I want to be every time I take it. I could go without it but I choose not to, and live happier and healthier as a result. Better living through chemistry.

I hope you find your answer, be it medication or prayer or both. *hugs*

Amelia Bentrup said...

If you are looking for a more "natural" approach, I highly reccomend the book The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. It helps you figure out which amino acids you may be lacking in, and then you supplement those to help your mood. It has helped me a lot.

That Mother Teresa book is really good.

In A Perfect World said...

No Greater Love is one of my all-time favorite books! I have read it many times, and have given several copies as gifts over the years! I hope you enjoy it!