Even though everything in my life is going very well right now, I am still struggling. Everything is totally fine, yet I feel like everything is falling apart. It's so bizarre and I don't even have the words to explain my discontent, my depression, my frustration. I don't know why the frustration is there, and I don't know how to ease it. I have no deep and blinding insights. I only have the knowledge that sometimes you are doing everything just fine and it is still hard.
It's like a movie scene: a car is driving down the street on a beautiful sunny day when suddenly it smashes into a telephone pole. The windshield explodes in shards of glass, the airbag bursts open, sending up plumes of dust and chemicals; the driver heads lurches forward, the seatbelt locks in place as the driver's body continues moving forward, every blood vessel along the seatbelt - from the shoulder, diagonal across the chest, above the heart - burst spilling blood beneath the skin, pooling up in deep black bruises. And then the scene snaps away and the car is still driving down the same pretty street on the same sunny day - nothing happened, the crash was all in the driver's head. She imagined it.
That is the best way I can describe my mind and my life right now. I'm loosing my fucking mind even though everything is totally and completely fine.
And so I have these two puzzle pieces. 1. I am living my vocation; 2. Within my heart, I feel both God's peace and a black hole. I know they go together, but I don't know how.
I also can't explain it, but I feel very strongly that I need to read about Saint Mother Theresa. I remember hearing a long time ago that she very much struggled with depression. I could be misremembering, I guess I'll find out because I went to the store about bought a copy of No Greater Love.
Maybe I am just chemically imbalanced and need to go back on an antidepressant. Maybe I am being attacked by Satan. I don't know. I don't know anything. It has taken me an entire hour to write this post, but I am so glad I did because I finally, finally found the words to describe what is going on inside. Now I just need to figure out if it's going on in my mind or in my soul.