I have two bits of good news, one bit of bad news, and one big bad news.
The first bit of good news: we liked that manual gray Fusion that I mentioned earlier enough to buy it. We put a deposit down to hold it and are waiting until we get the money from the Focus to finalize the purchase. The bad news? Geico promised the check by today, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen, which means another stressful weekend of driving the truck and avoiding small parking lots. It's been exactly two weeks since a careless driver smashed into me and I'm still dealing with the fall out.
The second bit of good news? I finally figured out why Eleanor has been so fussy lately. And I mean, really fussy. Like it's not enough that she got into a car accident, caught a cold, and had a yeast infection. We solved all those problems, but she was still incredibly inconsolable. Screamed like she was in physical pain whenever I put her down, even if I was just sitting next to her on the floor. The constant crying has been very draining and has sent me into a depression.
Now for the big bad news: my milk dried up.
I don't know if it's because she stopped nursing at night, the stress of the car accident, the mastitis, or the perfect storm of all three happening within one week of each other.
There is still a little bit of milk left, but for three days I've had no idea what has been bothering her, so I continued breastfeeding like normal and that hasn't done anything to help.
When this happened with Abigail, I tried everything, all to no avail. I have a lot of very painful memories of waking up every few hours at night to pump, carefully scheduled power-pumping sessions, daily calls to a lactation consultant, drinking cups of tea, trying various pills, and of hopes dashed over and over again. Because Eleanor is almost 10 months old, I don't think it's worth it to relive those. If she were younger, it'd be a different equation to consider. I'm going to continue to nurse her regularly, and offering a bottle afterward. But my hopes are low.
It was very difficult for me when I first realized what the problem was. I was in a pretty dark place. Breastfeeding is something I really, really wanted to do. I tried so hard. Made so many medical decisions based on how it would affect my ability to breastfeed. It's really hard to deal with the fact that it was all ripped away from me before either Eleanor or I were ready.
Not too long ago, a friend of mine adopted a baby. She had the baby a few months, but before the adoption was finalized, the mom changed her mind. And my friend lost her baby. Her first and only child. And she praised God. She thanked him for the time she had.
I've been thinking about her and her story a lot lately, as she lost so much more than me yet maintained some joy in her heart in the midst of the pain. Life is beating the shit out of me right now, but I still have blessings to count. And joy to maintain. It's a careful balance: acknowledging my pain, but keeping it in perspective. I will persevere.
This friend's story does have a happy ending. The baby's mother un-changed her mind and the child was returned to my friend, where he now happily, permanently, resides.