27 February 2015

The End of Car

Ya'll were right, the Focus is totaled. It all comes down to the cost of repairs compared to the value of the car and cars that blow air bags are really dang expensive.

In the aftermath of the accident, which happened one week ago today, I was really, really angry. Every time I felt sore, during the bajillion hours we spent in the ER, when I drove the truck we're borrowing - a 1500 Dodge Ram - for the first time, I was very angry at the guy who hit me (I'll call him AF). I kept wishing much ill upon him whenever I was reminded of our loss, which was constant. Because we only have one vehicle, we feel the loss very deeply. There was a lot of hate in my heart for AF. Every night as I laid in bed, the accident replayed over and over in my head and made me more upset.

We bought our Focus new off the lot in 2011 - just three weeks before we found out Abigail had a serious heart defect - because we wanted something that would be reliable for a long time. Something with warranty that wouldn't need repairs for several years. We hoped to turn it into Matt's commuter car when we needed a bigger family car. We planned to use it until it died of old age. And AF took all that from me with some sloppy driving. I seethed with anger and bitterness.

I needed to forgive AF and get rid of my anger, and I decided I would on Wednesday night. I have a deep water fitness class that night, and coincidentally the instructor was sick and no one else showed up for class, so they let me use the pool for free. I strapped on some ankle floats and went water running for a solid 40 minutes. I yelled at AF in my head. In my imagination, I cussed him out and punched him square in the face. I replayed the accident in my head, except this time he bounced off my car like rubber and went spinning away down the road while I drove away unscathed - Eleanor not even waking up. I told God how angry I was that he allowed my best laid plans to end. And most importantly, I let myself feel. I let the anger, the frustration, the bitterness, and the sadness course through my entire body and I used all that energy to keep my legs pumping. And as I walked back to the giant boat of a truck after class, I had no anger - or energy - left.

During my little heart-to-heart with God, I really came to understand the truth of statement that all we're really promised is the present. That bit in the Bible about us being flowers that wither in a field and all. It's a hard lesson for a melancholic, list-making, goal-setting person like me to stomach. I'm sure I'm going to have to learn it many more times yet. But at least right now, I'm filled with a renewed sense of gratitude and humility.

The car was amazing while we had it - it was a kick-ass deal, reliable, safe, and had great gas milage. It taught me how to love manual transmissions. God gave me all those blessings and when he saw fit, he allowed them to be taken. I honestly thanked him every night for the vehicle Abigail affectionately called Car.

He will send new blessings our way, I'm sure. I'm really hoping he sends us this little gray Fusion I found last night. A few years used, perfectly in our budget, and another manual. My hopes are optimistic, but still patient in the present moment.

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