11 April 2014

It Returns

I was given a few day reprieve from my pregnancy nausea last weekend and early this week, during which I ran around frantically doing many loads of laundry, making trips to the grocery store, getting more things ready for the baby, and scrubbing the walls in the kitchen (nesting instinct, maybe?) before the suffering returned. Which it did in force Wednesday evening. I do not know how people do this with larger families or larger homes. It literally takes me 12 seconds to walk from one extreme of my apartment to the other (I honestly just timed it) and we don't have any stairs. It is easy and fast to clean and my one child naps for at about 1.5 hours per day. Yet some days I wonder how I'm going to make it through the next hour. I would be incredibly interested to see a study of family size vs severity of pregnancy nausea.

This pregnancy is far more brutal than Abigail's in terms of physical symptoms, and I thought it was bad the first time around! And along with my difficult pregnancies, I also get nasty postpartum depression. I even had PPD after my miscarriage and I was only 10 weeks along!

If you went to college, do you remember back to the days when you had a class that you hated or was located far away or was at an inconvenient time and how badly you wanted to skip it one random Tuesday when life was rough? But you knew that if you skipped the class once, you'd have a really hard time forcing yourself to go back? So you try really hard never to miss a class so you don't snowball into only showing up for tests? That's how I feel about asking Matt to stay home from work. If I ask him once, it'll only make it more difficult to suffer through the next difficult day. I don't want to drain all the vacation days we've been saving up for a paternity leave, so I try really hard not to ask him to stay/come home. Even that one morning when I had pregnancy nausea/vomiting and a random kidney stone. (Okay so that last sentence was me bragging a bit - I'm kind of proud of myself for making it through that morning).

I know I do a lot of complaining about being pregnant on my blog, so you'll probably be shocked to know that I rarely complain around people in person (obviously not counting Matt). Why? Because no one has ever posted a mean comment to me here and if they did, I could simply delete it : )

I find it very unhelpful when people in person tell me that the only thing that matters is that the baby is okay and I'm being selfish by being so concerned with my own discomfort and when it's implied that how I feel should not impact our family size. Like I'm some sort of baby-making machine. Like somehow how the mother feels doesn't impact the entire family. And yes, while the baby's life is the most important factor, it is not the only factor. And considering I have given birth to my own dead child, I'm not speaking out of you-know-where; I do have one life experience point.

Matt and I do have serious discussions about family size and spacing, both when I wish I didn't have a digestive system and when we're not pregnant, and of course what we want hasn't always been what we've gotten, but it's really not the business of these commenters, no matter how loving they are, so I usually just respond with "how's the pregnancy?" with a grimace and a shrug. I've been burned no less than a few times after trusting people whom I would have thought would be more compassionate.

So yes, my complaint ratio is higher on my blog than in person. But to make sure I'm not misunderstood, I want to re-state that I love all three of the children I've carried/I'm carrying in my womb, that no matter how much I hate pregnancy/birth/postpartum recovery, it does not impact my love for them, and lastly, I do sincerely hope this is not the last baby we'll be blessed with.

With that being said, I have 39 days to go until my due date!


Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across this blog post (I know nothing about the blogger), but it is the best thing I've read regarding childbearing and Catholicism. The best thing I've read yet. And it's written by someone unable to have kids. I think it's content is beautiful, the language beautiful and intelligent, and it's the furthest thing from "preachy" that I've ever found on these interrelated topics.

It doesn't particularly address things you've mentioned here, but I've been dying to share it from the housetops since I read it last night, so I hope you don't mind!



Amelia Bentrup said...

So sorry about the constant pregnancy sickness. I can only imagine how horrible that must me.

In my very limited experience, I've known several moms who have several pregnancy sickness, PPD and very large families as they seem to be "highly fertile". Not sure if that is related, like maybe morning sickness and PPD are related to higher hormone levels which is also related to higher fertiility. Just a totally unsubstantiated theory I have observed from a very small sample size.

I've never had morning sickness, nor PPD and have a generally lower fertility.

TB: I have to do some searching to find that blog post (it wouldn't let me copy/paste). Yes that is a very beautiful post.

Jacqueline said...

I'm going to be the outlier in your data set, I have lower fertility as well.