13 August 2013


Note: Personal post coming up. Maybe too personal for some. Maybe too personal for me. Maybe I'll end up deleting this post in a day or two. Oy. You've been warned.

Abigail's first-ever photoshoot.

I had mad baby fever back in March. I had no idea, but we were actually pregnant at the time. When we found out, I was super stoked. When we lost the baby, I was super crushed. We did, in the end, name the baby, but we've chosen not to tell anyone. We're not ready to tell anyone just yet.

I'm aching to have another baby. We're not pregnant, unfortunately, but that isn't to say we aren't trying. Part of me is scared to have a typically developing child. I don't know what I'd do - without doctors visits, developing at normal speed. I'm good at the medical stuff. What would I do with normal? I'm also scared that something will happen medically with Abigail when I'm preoccupied with a baby. How could I live at the hospital with her if she were diagnosed with leukemia if I had a three-month-old? Ugh.

Since we've moved back, Abigail has been hanging out a bit with younger kids (even a newborn) and I'm completely amazed at how great she's been. I didn't think she'd really notice or care about a baby, but she was really great. She was hanging out with a 10-month-old recently, and I couldn't believe how much she doted on him. She followed him around, gave him toys, even spontaneously hugged him a few times...I didn't even know she understood the concept of hugging!

First few days home. So incredibly tiny!

Remembering the miscarriage still hurts, although not nearly as much as it did when it was fresh. I don't dwell on it every. single. day. like I used to, but I still think about the baby who isn't in my arms often. I know I have two kids even if no one else does.

But I do have serious baby fever again. We even have girl and boy names all picked out. Ugh, I want it all - the big, uncomfortable belly, the nervousness of checking into the hospital, the sleepless nights! I wanna do the snuggly newborn thing again, the "new mom glow" when the days and nights blend together in one tired, chaotic mess all wrapped up in the most intense, powerful love on earth.

Oy. Yes, wanting to be pregnant. Not pregnant. Hurting.

But still loving every most minutes with her.

Don't worry - phone dead and pen lacking ink. 

I wanna do it all over again. I want more of these.


Christine Stephens said...

I think it is normal to have anxiety about adding a new member to your family. Things will change, but everyone will adjust. My heart goes out to you about your lost little one. Pregnancy is a time full of anxiety and worry. For me anyways. I love your blog and your honesty. Abigail is so beautiful!!!!

onecatholicmama said...

Hugs. Yes, I agree the anxiety is normal and I'll pray you all are blessed with another little one soon.