19 April 2013

The End.

I had a miscarriage. There is no more baby.

I was nine (almost ten) weeks along. Yesterday I started noticing some light spotting and it grew heavier and brighter in color until this evening when it was joined by cramping. The cramps grew worse and worse until about 9:30pm when I decided to go to the hospital. By the time I reached the hospital, the cramps were contractions. I passed everything at the hospital. An ultrasound at 11:10pm revealed an empty uterus.

I feel sad - I really wanted this that baby. It would have been very, very loved. But for some reason, my body decided it wasn't an option and spontaneously miscarried. I didn't bring the baby/fetus home. I'm not sure if I was supposed to. The doctor is pretty sure that they didn't have it to give to me. Was I suppose to bury it? In a coffin? I don't know. I need to talk to a priest. I miss the baby, yet at the same time, I wasn't pregnant long enough to do anything more than dream, so I don't have the pain associated with packing away little baby clothes. I was "this close" to ordering the baby book, but I hadn't yet pulled the trigger.

It's 2:15am right now. I'm home. In a dark dining room lit by the bright white light of my computer scree. I'm still having contractions. They're light enough to discharge me from the ER, but strong enough to make sleeping difficult. Hence the blogging.

We don't have health insurance, and I'm really worried about the bill. Just this afternoon I got rejected from the insurer of last resort. Not really sure where to go from here. Matt and I haven't talked about it yet, but I think we're going to try to avoid getting pregnant again until insurance at his new job kicks in. Not that we were trying to get pregnant this time. It was unexpected, but very, very wanted.

Want to know what else happened today/yesterday? Our car got side-swiped. Long time readers can attest to how much I love my car. My Contour, the car I owned before our current Focus, was the car I had since I was 16 years and 4 months old. I had it longer than I have ever lived at one address in my entire life. I was really attached to it. When it finally gave up on life, I had a difficult transition moving to the Focus. But soon after we got it, we entered Baby Heart Saga and it really carried me though. I had a lot of good cries on that steering wheel. It really bonded us. Now some asshole hit it and the side is dented and scratched. I'm allowed to swear, I just had a miscarriage 4 hours ago. The damage is all superficial and rumor is that since it was a hit and run on a parked car, our deductible should be waved. I'll call to confirm on Monday. Nothing will get done tomorrow. Except me bleeding. Damn there is a lot of blood involved in a miscarriage.

Well, that is that. Maybe we should have waited until 12 weeks to tell everyone. Now I have to email everyone. But telling everyone means I got a lot of in-the-meantime prayers. And I need some prayers right now.

My baby is gone. I hurt.


Cam Wollner said...

Oh! I'm so, so, so sorry. I was really praying last night that this wasn't what it was when I saw you're post. We'll be praying for you three and offer tonight's rosary for your family. I'm in tears just reading this. I wish you already were up here so I could help (and because than the insurance thing would be resolved). We lost a little one back in August 2011 (first day of school at Ave) and oh... my heart's breaking for you.

I'm not sure I have any helpful advice, because it's just such a painful time, but for us picking a name kind of helped... And if nothing else I'm sure the hospital will agree to a payment plan, where you pay it off little by little. Some hospitals have "scholarships" too if you ask...

Anyways. Praying.

Amelia said...

Oh lots of hugs. I'm so, so, sorry for your loss. I too, was hoping *this* wasn't it, when I saw your status last night.

We lost our second pregnancy as well and naming the baby does help. Our babies name is Noel/Noelle (happened on Christmas).

I think the hospital should be able to give you the remains and many Catholic cemeteries have a little area where they bury miscarried babies for free.

Hugs again..I'm so sorry.

Cam Wollner said...

And to add to what Amelia said, most funeral homes do the cremation for free if you are able to obtain any remains from the hospital (the advice we received was to call first thing in the morning to get them... and I had Paul handle it).

Kate Sherwood said...

I am so sorry. My heart broke for you, reading this. I am glad you had, and will continue to have, prayers on your behalf, although I am sure letting people know is extremely painful.


Kate @ BJJ, Law, and Living

Liz E. said...

I'm so so sorry! The one thing I took away from my miscarriage (look in July '11 for a post) is that it is much more confusing than I would have imagined. Emotionally, intellectually, physically. It's messy. And everyone seems to experience it differently. Prayers & a big hug, dear girl!

Allison said...

I'm so sorry, I have not had to go through that (yet) so I cannot offer much other than my prayers.

Anonymous said...

So very sorry for the loss of your child. I'm praying for you today and in the weeks to come.

Unknown said...

I know there are many in need of.prayers lately. Yours is not too small.

Elicia said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I read Cam's blog and noticed you have a kiddo with Ds too. My second child, Daniel was born in June of 2012 with Ds, and as much as I love and adore and value him, I am honestly terrified of getting pregnant again (which I need to deal with since my lactational amenorrhea will be coming to an end in a few months) and I am just hurting for you because I know you must have similar emotions...and then to have this happen. I am so very sorry mama. You are in my prayers.